Bonjour Sharehouse Living!

Bonjour sharehouse living! It's been a while!
It's been such a warm and cozy cuckoon living with my little pink flamingo in the room next door there that I had forgotten what it was like to sleep (attempt to sleep) in a share house.
Between the years of 2004-2008 I lived with 8 different flatmates in 5 different houses. I also slept in the aptly named 'crack den' in Wollongong where the rats nibbled on my toes and the smackies pilaged and plundered in the housing comission next door.
Hold the phone!
17/07/2010.
Palace Street, Petersham.
After kicking and swearing and "gently tapping slot a into hole b", Andrew and I managed to set up a clothes hanger, a bed, a bookshelf, computer desk and a TV. After a few DVDs, mean-lean cuisine and a bag of popcorn, I awake to see the menu screen of South Park Season 9 Disc 2 repeating the same 37 seconds of music over and over. I snuggle in next to a deeply breathing and exhausted Ikea/Officeworks superman.
Someone walks down the hall upstairs which causes me to stir -12:39am. They run. They fall. They laugh. For AGES! A train goes by. People leave the pub on the corner and stumble and swear their way down the street. Someone falls again upstairs and music starts. Perhaps they have an army of breakdancing midgets up there? The whole house shakes. I cough. A plane flies overhead. A train goes by. The midgets begin to salsa. More music. Andrew rolls over, headbuts me in the nose. More people from the pub spill out onto the street. A fight begins "get off 'im ya'ass'ole". A train goes by. I cough. The midgets jump and turn up their music. I turn on some music. I turn off some music. "Oh yeah, fuck that feels good" - the midgets are having sex. The bed head smashes against their wall which creates a chain reaction causing the door to rattle. 'Oh Oh Oh Oh my GOD!" they change position. Train. They change position. Another Train. The upstairs toilet flushes and the shower starts. 5am. I snuggle into Superman and put a pillow over my head.
6:15am - alarm bleeps away - a funny little tune that resembles the xylophone riff in american beauty. Andrew will go on a 35km hike. I will return to my Princess Bed, my fluffy pink flamingo in the next room, and I will blog and bitch and moan.
But I'll do it all again just to have another snuggle and headbut from the long distance walking superman. So worth it!

Here are sandmans tips for sharehouse living


1. Don't wear corduroy pants if your thighs touch at the top. It means you can't eavesdrop because they can hear you coming in advance, and they stop bitching.

2. Always be the second last person to go to bed, so no one else can bitch about you.

3. Make sure you're the second person up in the morning so you can talk about the others, before they talk about you.

4. Hunting in packs and using weapons made from sarcasm makes one feel more comfortable.

5. Make friends with any couples in the sharehouse. That way you stand a better chance of being in the majority on most domestic issues.

7. Don't lie on seagrass matting without a shirt on - you get an itchy back.

8. When two flatmates still touch it means they haven't done it yet.

9. Secrets and gossip give you power.

10. Don't hide a vomit with a flat mates cushion. It only makes them angry.

11. Secrets about other flatmates give you power.

12. Get the front room in a sharehouse so you can sneak your washing out for your parents to do without anyone knowing.

13. When two flatmates stop touching, it means they've done it.

14. Pretend nothing happened and the problem goes away.

15. If a flatmates eyebrows arch when they say: 'No, I didn't drink all the milk' - they're lying.

16. Never sleep with a flatmate.

17. If you do, your a f**kin legend.

18. When a man sees another man naked, it's fine to take little bird-like glances. But if you stare too long, you appear unsettling.

19. Clothes are clean even if they're dirty providing they haven't been seen for two weeks.

23. If you're not funny yourself, try teasing a third person.

24. A firm shower can feel like an experienced lover's hands.

25. Sarcasm makes you feel comfortable.

30. When you're isolated, you look pathetic.

31. One way to stay awake at a dinner party is to talk about yourself.

32. The straighter they are, the more likely.

35. A well developed butt is not always an advantage.

37. You always get a little cheer when you pull your pants down in a share house.

38. If you're eavesdropping, don't look directly at the person you're eavesdropping on.

40. A closed door creates interest.

41. You always get a little cheer when you pull your pants down in a share house.